Single lines

>> February 18, 2009

If I truly believe in the sovereignty of God and that His timing is perfect and that He has my days already recorded and mapped out and knows the beginning from the end and knew that Asher would be and would be ours and when and also knows the fate of of any and all future children, then why, oh why, does that single line feel so devastating. It's not like we've been specifically trying, charting, timing, waiting. But I'm late. Late even for me. And it's not like I have any reason to believe that this time round will be any different than the last. Except that I've been back on the Mommy Boards over at Soulcysters and 4 (or is it 5 now) of the other women who were due with me last March are pregnant again. Without trying. One already delivered. Irish twins. Just like my Mom and Aunt. Do women without fertility problems feel such deep wounds over such a simple thing as a single pink line? I want to go rummaging through the waste bin to have one more look. Just to see if maybe, maybe, there's a shadow that I missed, the last time it was so faint.   Part of this is pride, I'll admit it. I feel like I've paid my dues. Done my time. Shouldn't have to go through that again (my heartfelt apologies to all my friends who went through so much more than me, I really do know how lucky I got off). This time, I wanted to feel like a normal woman. A woman who's body hadn't betrayed her. A woman who's God hadn't said 'no' again. Now I really do understand that this isn't likely an actual 'no' but a 'not right now'. And I understand that He has very good reasons for the 'when'. But none of that sinks in tonight. Tonight things feel hollow. Distant. Tonight I feel empty.

5 people had this to say:

Liz February 18, 2009 at 7:39 PM  

I'm a Christian and I believe in God's plan and all that.

But I also believe in the female body as an amazing masterpiece. And I think that our bodies need time to heal in between pregnancies and births.

It hurts. I understand. And I'm sorry.

No words make it any easier or ease that disappointment...

Ruth February 18, 2009 at 7:44 PM  

Heather, I am sorry. It is amazing that even though we are now moms, the pain of infertility does not diminish. Somehow I thought it might. The only comfort I have ever been able to muster out of all of it is that God is sovereign and His plans for us are for our good and not to harm us. I am so thankful for these two truths - I do not know where I would be without them. I will be praying that you have peace as you wait and that soon we will both be blessed with TWO lines =)

Sam February 18, 2009 at 10:48 PM  

Heather, I'm so sorry.

Rachel Cotterill February 18, 2009 at 11:59 PM  

I can only begin to imagine how you're feeling... wish I could help.

Road Blocks and Roller Coasters February 19, 2009 at 12:26 AM  

I'm so sorry Heather. I know that emptiness so well and it is such a hard place to be. I am thinking of you and sending you many warm ((HUGS)).

About This Blog

I love this adventure I'm on with my Rocket Scientist. The most recent addition to our expedition has me in awe daily. I can't wait to see My Little Man as a big brother. We started off by moving from Western Canada to Chicago and now we're in the UK. Will this Strange Mamma ever not feel like a stranger in the land?

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