Shadow and Light

>> April 19, 2009

For one glorious day I was pregnant.  Or at least I could have been.  There was a shadow of a line, a hint of pink, in the right light.  I felt...well, it was surprising.  I wasn't surprised, I'd been tired, feeling yucky, we'd had well-timed relations.  What was surprising is that mostly, I just felt free.  Free of all the stress/disappointment/anticipation.  Free isn't even a good enough word.  I felt...light.  Dare I say, like my old self, although up until that moment I didn't realize my old self was missing.  When I looked at things (things being little pink lines and shadows) objectively, I knew it wasn't really a positive, I knew I was fooling myself, but it was so easy to do, so simple to believe that I really was pregnant.  Because then I didn't have to worry about it anymore, I could just get on with my day.

Now if you've been following me for a couple months, you know I've been here before.  Recently.  But this time it turned out differently.  I'm not pregnant.  It was just a shadow.  Next time I will buy a digital test and never mind all this silly interpretive guess-work.  But this time, for a moment I felt hope, I felt joy, I felt light.  And I don't want to lose that.  I don't have to be pregnant for that, I just have to get back to my old self, not worry about it and get on with my day.  Get on with my life.  Get on with being Asher's mom and Jeff's wife, not someone who can't get pregnant.  Why do I need to be pregnant right now?  I know we're going to have more kids.  If not from 'well-timed relations' then from well-timed medical interventions.  They worked so well the last time that there's no real reason to think they won't work this time.  And even if they don't, then we just move on to adoption earlier than we thought.  This will happen.  I have to stop spending so much of my time waiting for it.  It's not going to get happen any faster.  Watched pot and all that.  And I'm missing so much while I stare at that stupid pot.

I feel like I'm not doing this revelation justice.  Like I'm not able to put into words how different yesterday was.  And, really how different today continued to be even after taking the second test today to confirm that it was indeed just a shadow.  I had more patience with Asher.  And I hope with Jeff, too, you'll have to ask him.  I played more, smiled more, laughed more, cried less.  I was still tired, food still made me feel yucky, but that is kind of my life.  I just don't notice it unless I'm late.  

I am so happy that today didn't change.  Too much.  I will admit that I am disappointed.  I would love to be pregnant right now.  But I also want to get back to really loving being a mom.  And not just any mom, but Asher's mom.  And today I was.  My patience lasted, my playfulness lasted, my smile lasted, my laughter lasted.  Changes in plan weren't so bad, feeling a little claustrophobic in the church nursery didn't make me want to just pack up and go home early (which we actually did do, just last Sunday).  There were a few tears, but mostly out of awe.  Awe for how faithful God is.  Awe for how faithful and long-suffering my husband is.  Awe for my beautiful, amazing, not-enough-adjectives-in-the-book-wonderful son.  Awe for another beautiful boy we saw on TV tonight.  Yes, I cried.  I could feel that mom's heart in her throat and the pride she had for her son no matter what the outcome.  

I will do my best in the coming days and weeks to remember this lightness and to keep it and not take on such heavy burdens again.  And then, hopefully, it will become habit again, being my old self.  Even yesterday, as I was realizing the difference, I was glad that we thought maybe this time even as I knew it wasn't really.  I was glad because I was able to see what I was missing.  I was able to see how things could be if I just stepped away from the shadows and lightened up.

4 people had this to say:

Road Blocks and Roller Coasters April 19, 2009 at 10:01 PM  

May the lightness last a lifetime, sweetie. ((LOTS OF HUGS))

Jessica April 19, 2009 at 10:04 PM  

I am glad to hear that even though the test wasnt positive that you are still feeling positive. I do hope one day to hear that Asher is a big brother. I am so happy for you guys that you were blessed with Asher. Hew is so beatuiful.
I have recently had a suspicion that I may be pregnant. But this should be impossible due to my IUD. Funny thing is that even though we are not ready for a fourth I was almost rooting for it to say "pregnant" (it was a digital one, cause I always think I see a pick shadow too). It said "not pregnant". I was a little relieved but I also knew that if it was positiive we would be ready if God wanted us to have more.
I always keep you guys in my prayers.
God Bless

C. Beth April 20, 2009 at 3:27 AM  

What a beautiful post, Heather!! I really love this.

I have not had fertility issues. I have had a miscarriage--a very early one, 3 days after I got my 2 lines, just before getting pregnant with Zoodle. Oh, my, there are so many ridiculously intense emotions associated with trying to have a baby!

I regret I never consistently found that peace and joy once I got pregnant with Zoodle. I WORRIED. I wish I had come to more of a point of peace with it. You are in such a great place, and I pray you'll stay there, through the waiting.

Liz April 21, 2009 at 6:16 PM  

What's the saying? "Let go and Let God." I like it as a mantra but find it doesn't fit well. Instead, I'm all about sharing it all with God and being comforted through it. :)

I've also suffered a miscarriage. And I watched my parents struggle with infertility when I was a teenager and they were desperate for a baby. It's hard. Like Beth said- so much emotion wrapped up in something so seemingly inane as peeing on a stick.

Having the flashes, moments, days of insight are good. Holding on to them... that's my struggle. Staying in the light. Let's try staying there together, shall we?

About This Blog

I love this adventure I'm on with my Rocket Scientist. The most recent addition to our expedition has me in awe daily. I can't wait to see My Little Man as a big brother. We started off by moving from Western Canada to Chicago and now we're in the UK. Will this Strange Mamma ever not feel like a stranger in the land?

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